The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
