i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
