Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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