This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
