no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I believe in your delicious
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
