Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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