How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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