Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
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I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize