I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
