We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
