Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
