ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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