Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
