my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
