we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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