My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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