there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Barsexuality is the new black.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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