Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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