my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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