the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
