my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
