I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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