I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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