Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
