i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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