just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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