I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
bring money and cleavage
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
