I cannot find my penis.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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