My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
