hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
