it hurts more in the daytime
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
