I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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