she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
