I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
