Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
