I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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