Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
