my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
