btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
