mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
