At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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