You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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