then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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