It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
