Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I seem to have left my pride at pride
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
