Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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