Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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