Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
