I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
