Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
