drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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