I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
