I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
