watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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